31 October 2005

IT'S HALLOWEEN!

THE SUNDAY 9 will not be presented at this time in order that we may bring you the following special program. THE SUNDAY 9 will be back at its regular scheduled time next week, followed by an all-new "Maude" and "Good Times."

[cue old "CBS Special Presentation" logo]

Today, in honor of All Hallow's Eve, I bring you The Three Divas of The Apocalypse, starring the Wiggin Sisters: Dorothy, Helen and Betty -- those Divas With Voices of Angels.

The Shaggs.

Brought to you, of course, by Dolly Madison "Zingers", your local Coca-Cola Bottler, and McDonald's. You deserve a break today, but you ain't gettin' one -- we're bringing you these cat-killin' girls, you're gonna sit down, shut up, and LISTEN!!!

It's Halloween, it's Halloween,
It's time for scares
It's time for screams
The ghosts will spook
The spooks will scare
Why, even Dracula will be there


It's the ultimate Halloween carol. Forget "The Monster Mash" or those other hackneyed, beat-to-death hits -- we're talkin' great listening, baby.

The Shaggs make for perfect music to listen to while you're lying down in the pumpkin patch, waiting for The Great Pumpkin.

OKAY, TALMADGE, OUT WITH IT. IS THERE REALLY A "GREAT PUMPKIN"?

Yes, Virginia, there is a Great Pumpkin. He exists as certainly as jack-o-lanterns exist, trick or treaters knock on doors, eggs thrown at cars, or two-ply Charmin strewn about trees and houses ... there will always be a Great Pumpkin.

Alas! How dreary would be the world if there were no Great Pumpkin! It would be as dreary as if there were no Virginias. Or North Carolinas. Heck, even South Carolinas (unless, of course, the "christian exodus" were to whiz on their palmetto trees, thus marking their territory ... eh, but that's another issue).

Not believe in The Great Pumpkin! You might as well not believe in World War I Flying Aces! You might get Mr. Van Pelt to get his youngest, blanket in tow, to watch in all the pumpkin patches on Halloween Eve to catch The Great Pumpkin, but even if you did not see The Great Pumpkin, what would that prove? Nobody sees The Great Pumpkin, but that is no sign that there is no Great Pumpkin.

You tear apart a Magic 8 Ball and see the blue liquid and that big thing with many triangular sides, but what does that prove? Just that the person who owns that Magic 8 Ball is gonna be mighty pissed off. Just HOW is (s)he gonna make a decision now?

You see, if you have faith in Great Pumpkins, there's no need for stupid plastic spherical objects with deep philosophibabble like "MY SOURCES SAY NO."

Ah, Virginia, in all this world there is nothing else real, abiding, or delictable when served as pie.

No Great Pumpkin! Thank God! He lives and lives forever. A thousand years from now, Virginia, he will continue to make glad the heart of childhood. That, or at least a gullible animated blanket-carrying boy.

Heck, if anything, maybe Linus'll finally yield to Sally Brown's seduction whilst in their pumpkin patch vigil.

Yes, there's a Great Pumpkin. Remember that before you bite into one of those Brach's Mellocreme Pumpkins, pal.

And that's it for The Five Flavors of Reflections Halloween Special. Stay tuned for Chico & The INS Man, next over most of these same blogs.

Ciao for niao.

--Talmadge "The candy corn is MINE, dammit!" Gleck

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