26 October 2005

Remembering "Number 5, D.D.S."

Gleck here, with a question raised by an old commercial I just watched.

For many years, TRIDENT gum used to claim in their commericals that "4 out of 5 Dentists surveyed recommend sugarless gum for their patients who chew gum."

All and good, but what about that fifth dentist?

Oh yeah, HE was the one making the money hand over foot. THAT dentist encouraged his (or her - let's face it, there's no guarantees this maverick had a Y chromosome!) patients to consume all the sugared gum ... Cokes ... Frosted Flakes ... methamphetam -- er, um, ah, anyway this dentist said "Go forth onto the world, and consume lots of glucose and cane extract. Sugar-coated snacks and soft drinks are good. If you behave yourself, ask the receptionist for a Mountain Dew flavored sucker on your way out"

Which, you see, guaranteed return business. Sure, TRIDENT gave nice kickbacks to those other four dentists ... but good ol' #5 was burning excess $100s in his fireplace, and cashing those fat dividend checks from his stock in WRIGLEY'S GUM.

4 out of 5, eh? That translates to an 80%. That's barely a B at the college level, and is a solid C at my son's school. I'm supposed to be impressed?? I've chewed TRIDENT. It has that saccharine-y taste which brings to mind a day-old bottle of "Tab" ......

Now if only we could do something about these young punks who chew their gum -- sugarless or otherwise -- with their mouths wide open.

Ciao for niao.

--Talmadge "I'm From Alabama, But I Still Have Most of My Teeth" Gleck

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