Good morning, and Happy Christmas to one and all. Today, THE SUNDAY 9 has no sponsor, as it would be completely tacky to do so on such a day as this. Instead, I'll drop in a PSA for the American Goofy-Red-Thing-That-Looks-Like-a-Telephone-Pole Association: Use those Christmas Seals, give us lots of money otherwise we won't give you no more of those stickers. Stick 'em on envelopes, cards, packages, your dog, your cat, your significant other's nose, or give 'em to any toddler and (s)he'll take care of 'em in nothing flat. Remember -- it's a matter of life and ... (hack!) ... (wheeze!) ... breath?
Today, here are nine thoughts on holiday decorations:
1) Santa Claus was NEVER to be played by a B-list hack as Yukon Cornelius. Folks, I'd rather Charlie-In-The-Box from the "Island of Misfit Toys" be cast as Santa's understudy. Yukon is, shall we say, a bit over-the-top in his personality. I've noticed a lot of those inflatable backlit snowglobes featuring a Santa who looks more like YC than, well, Santa.
2) THOSE @#$%ING WHITE-LIGHT REINDEERS!!! What are you people??!! SHEEP??!!??!! Seraphim and I took a couple of "holiday light tours" of our own. What we saw, above all else, were more of these cheap Sam's Club and/or Wal-Mart special yard reindeer with animated heads. Dozens upon dozens.
Can't we be bloody original fer a change???????
3) Palm trees. Okay, maybe Bethlehem had 'em, but otherwise, in the festive (read: commercial) observance of the Christmas holiday, exactly how do palm trees figure into the overall "North Pole" motif? Several yards I saw, especially around Albany, Ga. (where Seraphim hails from), had lit palm trees among their (many) decorations.
4) Winnie-The-Pooh. "On, Eeyore! On, Piglet! On, Christopher Robin! On, Hunny! On, Tigger!" Several yards I saw this year resembled a 1973 Sears store through the warped lens of a bad acid trip.
5) Sick depictions of violence ... such as Santa holding up a bloody, decapitated doll. Yeah, with the crass commercialism which for some reason was much worse this year, I sometimes wanted to put a display of that nature in our front yard as a statement. But I would never actually do so. You see, what some people forget is what these things do to kids. A four-year-old seeing Santa portrayed in this fashion might scar 'em for life! Young'uns have yet to develop a sense of satire and parody. And Christmas, ya know, is mostly for the kids.
6) Blue lights. Unless you work for Kmart and are making a show of support for your ailing company, kindly remember that the prime colors of Christmas are RED and GREEN. Exception to foregoing: if paired with the colours red and white, thus making a patriotic theme for your Christmas display. Or if paired with silver, and you're Jewish.
7) Chase-sequence light patterns are to be used sparingly. Put them on all house trim and all fence-tops, and I'll be writing you to request tickets to be in the audience of the game show you obviously run from your front yard.
8) A little color again. Please? White seemed to be the 'in' thing to use for holiday decorations. The icicle lights were all the rage. However, as with all 'crazes', they eventually get old. It's time to bring back the colored lights. My favorites are single-color light strands mixed together, such as alternating stretches of red and green. But even the multi-colored lights are beginning to look better than the same ol' white stuff.
9) Nativity scenes. I'll end this on a positive note. Most all of the nativities I've seen this year have been very tastefully done. Some backlit figures, but also some illuminated with flood lights. I'm glad to see those; they illustrate what Christmas really means. I have the highest respect for those displays which feature little more than a nicely-done nativity.
So there you have it. It's past 11:00 p.m. on Christmas night, and I had to get all that off my chest. Maybe next year things will be more reasonable -- less of that stupid "attack on Christmas" nonsense and the excessive, crass and grotesque commercialism and cheapening of Christmas which we've seen in 2005.
Merry Christmas to you and yours from the Gleck family.
Ciao for niao.
Chris Cornell, My mom, and Me
3 days ago