It's time for another edition of THE SUNDAY 9, brought to you this week by Teetotalers® Eggnog, just in case Carrie Nation is one of your Christmas party guests this year. Axe sold separately.
Allrighty. With it being just two weeks away from Christmas Day, and two radio stations in Savannah aglow with the same 100 @#$%ing burnt-to-a-crisp holiday songs, I would like to cough up a hairball known as TALMADGE GLECK'S CHRISTMAS JUKEBOX FROM HADES.
These are some songs for the Christmas season which deserve to be put in a box and allowed to sit, open, in a back seat at 12:15 p.m. on a clear, sunny day. Wait 'till the vinyl is more shriveled up than over-cooked Cracker Barrel bacon, then take and decorate your Christmas tree with 'em*
* = when it's in the gutter on January 2nd.
Okay. Here we go, in reverse order:
9) DECK THE HALLS / Manheim Steamroller
The first time I heard this, 1986 I believe, it seemed like a creative reworking of a standard we all know and love. Today, after 3,942,819,531 force-feedings while a captive audience at this store or that, it truly grates on my nerves.
Everything Manheim Steamroller does sounds like a friggin' local TV news theme package. AND NOW, NORTH POLE NEWS 9 NIGHTSIDE. WITH ANCHORPERSON SANTA. YUKON CORNELIUS ON SPORTS. AND DOPPLER MAX 9 METEOROLOGIST WEATHER GIRL MRS. CLAUS. I understand Manheim's next album is a collection of holiday favorites entitled Coverage You Can Count On.
8) IT'S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR / Johnny Mathis
Chances are, you've heard it way too many times on your friendly local "adult contemporary" station now playing all holiday music. It's too much and too late ... alas, not "too little." Oh well, two out of three ain't bad (hmmmm, wonder why Meat Loaf hasn't recorded a Christmas song; surely we could throw together enough dregs to make A Very Special Christmas 34)
7) ANY CHRISTMAS SONG COVERED BY HARRY CONNICK, JUNIOR
I completely and unequivocally revile him.
6) A SQUIRRELY CHRISTMAS / Shirley and Squirrely
David Seville meets Mel Blanc. This is why God invented above-ground power lines.
5) SLEIGH RIDE / Arthur Fiedler & The Boston Pops
Used and abused as a music bed on way too many local radio commercials. I'm surprised RCA didn't have Fiedler dressed up in a Santa outfit on the album cover, flanked by so many adoring cheesecake models that Robert Palmer commented, "What them wimmen need is more makeup."
4) DREIDL, DREIDL, DREIDL / Mel Gibson
Just checking to see if you're paying attention. As you can see, I'm an equal opportunity offender. A "dreidl", I understand, is a Jewish holy instrument trotted out during their Festival of Lights for the kids to enjoy. It functions similar to what us Gentile folk know as a "top." You spin it around and around and around. (And if it doesn't go all the way around at least once, Bob Barker comes out and leads the audience in booing you). What this has to do with Hanukkah is a mystery to me; then again, I'm not of the Jewish persuasion.
First time I heard this song, I thought they were singing "Drano, Drano, Drano." Begging the question of whether Kosher food takes longer to clog a kitchen sink.
3) OVERSTOCK.COM COMMERCIAL SUNG TO THE TUNE OF "JINGLE BELLS"
Oh, oh, oh .... next time that comes on the telly, Seraphim's gonna get mighty pissed off that there's a bullet hole in the middle of our living room Hitachi.
2) I SAW DADDY KISSING SANTA CLAUS / Kip Adotta
Sorta gives a whole new meaning to "Don we now our gay apparel", eh?
1) GRANDMA GOT RUN--
Exactly. Does anyone admit to liking this record?
Didn't think so.
Anyone for Grandma Got Run Over By a Dreidl for Hanukkah?
Ciao for niao.
--Talmadge "Father Christmas, gimme some money or I'll beat you up!" Gleck
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