20 October 2007

Talmadge's Private Music Hell®

How about yet another musical rambling? Aimless as the other ramblings, but sometimes with melody.

Want to be an avowed enemy of Talmadge Q. Gleck? Send me a mix tape consisting of the below:

Positions 5,427 through 20) JUST ABOUT ANY CONTEMPORARY CHRISTIAN SONG EVER RECORDED
Nettiemac has a great name for this genre: "Yippy Skippy for Jesus." I can take the more peaceful hymns, raucous black gospel, and even some Florida Boys-style Southern gospel during those rare moments the mood hits. But I completely, unabashedly and wholeheartedly r-e-v-i-l-e "contemporary christian music." It's like diet soda -- taste resembles regular cola, but the saccharine leaves that awful aftertaste -- in CCM's case, the music SOUNDS like rock 'n' roll and/or pop melodies, but something's just not right. And I get a terrible aftertaste when I have to listen to it.

If I want positive, inspiring music, I'll pull out a Van Morrison album, thank you.

19) WALKING ON SUNSHINE / Katrina & The Waves (1985)
Asbestos Nikes, anyone? If I want a happy song, I'll take another Van Morrison track: "Back on Top." (After that 'unpleasantry' two years ago, I get the feeling one won't be hearing this song much anymore ... or at least nobody'll dare backannounce the artist.) Played backwards: "Stop shaking our FEMA trailer with your dancing, young lady!"

18) WE'VE ONLY JUST BEGUN / The Carpenters (1970)
Karen and Richard's harmonies, like ABBA's, seep into my head and feels to my brain like tiny, yet horrendously painful pinpricks. Picking just one Carpenters record was not easy. But I eventually settled on is this #2 hit (in more ways than one), a knock-off from a bank commercial. Played backwards: "Must ... have ... EX-LAX....."

In all fairness, tho', as with ABBA, there are isolated exceptions where I can actually tolerate the song. And I do feel for poor Karen -- check out the bootleg film Superstar: The Karen Carpenter Story ... in a way, it's a vicious parody of the whole "clean-cut" life of the Carpenter siblings; the movie is acted out with Barbie dolls! But deep inside the film's plotline, it paints a very sympathetic portrait of Karen, and the demons eating at her. Richard was a big @#$%, and they had repressive parents -- geeez, even amidst their biggest fame in the early '70s, they still lived at home with Mom and Dad ... and had a curfew!!

17) PLAYGROUND IN MY MIND / Clint Holmes (1975)
Michael & Cindy did get married. They did have a baby or two. They got divorced. Now, the kids not just visit their grandma ... SHE has custody! Played backwards: "My name is Michael. I've got a nickel. Will that help toward all that back child support I owe?"

16) WAITING FOR A GIRL LIKE YOU / Foreigner (1981)
Foreigner fell victim to what I call Gleck's Rule of Ballads and Downfall ... a normally hard-edged and/or uptempo pop-rock outfit recording a ballad, hitting paydirt, chart success, followed by one or more of the members turning greedy and changing the group's musical course, alienating the loyal fans in favor of "selling out" for the soccer moms.

Want a couple of fer-instances? Look no further than "Babe" by Styx - the moment a great Midwest rock band jumped the shark and became Dennis DeYoung's vehicle for recording proto-Delilah pap .... or Chicago. While they had ballads from the beginning -- "Colour My World" (Seraphim's favorite) and "Wishing You Were Here" are truly beautiful pop records -- there was the small matter of "If You Leave Me Now", the musical anti-epiphany of Peter Cetera. I swear in the bridge of this song visions of a young Amy Grant appeared. From there, the brass and kick-ass were gradually attrition'ed from Chicago, and before we knew it, it was "You're the Inspiration" city!

Foreigner, granted, wasn't quite as afflicted here, but WFAGLY did lead to "I Want to Know What Love Is" and "I Don't Want to Live Without You" -- songs I admit to actually liking okay. Key word = "okay"

Played backwards: "Mick, when you said 'Head Games', I thought you were referring to that new Parker Brothers board game. Just play with my mind .... ahhhh, you mean THAT 'head.' Oh."

In 1998, I was waiting for a girl like Seraphim. But I didn't sing this to her; I knew better.

15) DON'T WORRY, BE HAPPY / Bobby McFerrin (1988)
A record so beautifully and mercilessly tweaked one 1989 Sunday in Berke Breathed's long-departed strip Bloom County. There's nothing wrong with being happy; heck, I prefer happiness to the alternative any ol' day. Still, there's a fine line between being happy and being a g(BLEEP)ddamned Pollyanna! People like that make me want to swig Pepto. Played backwar ---hey, if I play this backwards, does that mean I don't have to be a Pollyanna anymore? You know, like you play a country song backwards, and your wife comes back, you get out of prison and your teeth grow back in.

14) BROWN-EYED GIRL / Van Morrison (1967)
There's only one Van Morrison song I don't like. And it's more than "don't like"; try REVILE! There's nothing like playing it 13 times during the course of an evening while DJ'ing a dance at a country club -- while the city fathers and mothers of Troy, Alabama are getting drunk and belligerent -- to destroy a song.

That person stalking out the green grass behind the stadium with a high-power rifle? Yep, that's ME! Played backwards: "Colored contacts, please."

13) DO YA THINK I'M SEXY? / Rod Stewart (1978)
a/k/a "Selling My Soul and Credibility To Get A #1 Hit" Proving once and for all that Never a Dull Moment and Every Picture Tells a Story were looooong ago. Played backwards: "Maggie May DID make a first-class fool out of me."

12) WALKING ON THE SUN / Smashmouth (1999)
Could this band be less subtle in angling for corporate shillhood?? Songs like this and "All Star" were written with the complete intent of eventually reaping a profit from selling out to advertisers. WOTS has the line "so don't delay, act now" -- perfectly cut out for use in a car commercial (which, indeed, it eventually was). And today, the opening organ riff from "Can't Get Enough of You Baby" (itself a bad cover) is being played to death in current Pizza Hut commercials Played backwards: "2.9% APR financing, with approved credit."

11) WE ARE THE WORLD / USA For Africa (1985)
Musical madness from the pen of Michael Jackson. First time I heard it, my impression was that it sounded like the jingle for a friggin' PSA! Played backwards: "A message from the AD COUNCIL." .......Or "We are the Ethiopians. Leave us alone. Let us starve to death. But please cut off our ears first."

10) SUGAR, SUGAR / The Archies (1969)
The lamest record ever "sung" that year. Vocals in actuality were provided by Midge and Big Moose. Played backwards: "I can't make it to band practice today -- Mr. Weatherbee gave me detention for calling Sabrina a witch to her face."

9) I WRITE THE SONGS / Barry Manilow (1976)
Do you have to REMIND us??!! Why didn't you just run off with Lola from the Copacabana?? Oh yeah, that's right, I forgot ...

Played backwards: "Like a good neighbor, I don't have to pay another @#$%ing penny for car insurance as long as I live."

8) I'M HENRY THE VIII, I AM / Herman's Hermits (1965)
...Second verse, stupid as the first. Played backwards: "Dumb, gullible Yankees will buy ANYTHING!"

7) GIRLS JUST WANT TO HAVE FUN / Cyndi Lauper (1983)
Note to self: Take rubber band from Captain Lou Albano's beard, fire point-blank at Cyndi.
Played backwards: That stupid "HAH! HAH!" laugh toward the end of the record still sounds the same. Damned palindromic interjections......

6) IT HAD TO BE YOU / Harry Connick, Jr. (1989)
If I want something that sounds like Frank Sinatra, I'd rather have Sinatra.

5) MACHO MAN / Village People (1978)
...I should have a bumper sticker on my car: I SURVIVED 1978-1979 TOP 40 RADIO. This record is a big reason I went toward AOR during my junior-high years.

4) SWEET HOME ALABAMA / Lynyrd Skynyrd (1975)
...Then again, AOR (album rock) radio wasn't all that and an Iron Butterfly LP, either. Case in point.

3) BILLIE JEAN / Michael Jackson (1982)
...The kid is not my son. He's my lover. Played backwards: "Voulez vous coucher avec moi ce soir, le infante"

2) KARMA CHAMELEON / Culture Club (1984)
...I truly cannot stomach this song. I don't know why, but I completely detest it. Played backwards: "Yes, I really want to hurt you. But after I put on my foundation and eye shadow."

1) YOU LIGHT UP MY LIFE / Debbie Boone (1977)
...Helen Keller should've gotten a larnyx transplant from Miz Deb. She needed the voice much more. Played backwards: "My daddy is Satan. What part of 'AIN'T that a shame' don't you understand??!!"

Boy, I could use some Maalox. Sam's Club size, please.

Ciao for Niao.

--Talmadge "I feel a song comin' on" Gleck

8 comments:

Kate/Susan said...

I agree with most of your pics, not all... For some reason, I freakin' love "Walking on Sunshine." :-)

But I need more than Maalox whenever I hear "Waiting for a Girl Like You". I have an ex who used to call and sing me that song in an appalling falsetto that made me want to rip my own ears off. Seriously. Ugh.

And for the record, I like that you bleeped God and not "fucking". :)

--SK

Talmadge G. said...

Thanks. As for "fucking", it all depends on my mood at the time I'm writing. When I use that word in real life, it's either in a 'mocking' way while in a good mood .... or else I'm really pissed.

WFAGLY sung in falsetto? I'd pay good money to hear that.....

No, wait. Just kidding.

nettiemac said...

Positions 5,427 through 20) JUST ABOUT ANY CONTEMPORARY CHRISTIAN SONG EVER RECORDED
Nettiemac has a great name for this genre: "Yippy Skippy for Jesus."

We've got Jesus, yes we do
It's obvious you don't
So why don't you come to our church on Sunday, we have the best youth group EVER, and Preacher Jay (that's our youth minister) is SOOOOOO cool, and do you know Jesus as your personal savior?

Oh, sorry, I guess I was channeling the music. Eek. SMACK ME!

19) WALKING ON SUNSHINE / Katrina & The Waves (1985)
I can take or leave. Take in very occasional doses. Yeah, that one will never be backannounced again.

18) WE'VE ONLY JUST BEGUN / The Carpenters (1970)
Too many weddings have been ruined because of pop songs like this. Marriages, I can't vouch for, but I know I've almost run out on a few weddings .... including a few I sang in. The things we do for money.

17) PLAYGROUND IN MY MIND / Clint Holmes (1975)
Make it stop. Please. Please. Oh, sweet merciful Minerva, make it stop. I hear calliope music over and over......

16) WAITING FOR A GIRL LIKE YOU / Foreigner (1981)
Now this one doesn't bother me as much as "I Want To Know What Love Is" (which doesn't bother me greatly, but it smacks of a bad pickup line late at night in a seedy beer joint).

15) DON'T WORRY, BE HAPPY / Bobby McFerrin (1988)
I would dance a naked jig on my front porch if every copy (including the master reels) were to spontaneously self-combust.

14) BROWN-EYED GIRL / Van Morrison (1967)
While I understand the motive behind hating this song in your particular case, I still love this one.

13) DO YA THINK I'M SEXY? / Rod Stewart (1978)
Can't argue. I love Rod, but not this. I admit to listening to it, but I'm giggling the whole time at just how cheesy it sounds.

12) WALKING ON THE SUN / Smashmouth (1999)
You know, pretty much all of Smashmouth's few hits could qualify. If I hear that damn "All Star" one more time, I'm going to punch someone. And I LOATHE their "I'm A Believer."

11) WE ARE THE WORLD / USA For Africa (1985)
This makes me love "Do They Know It's Christmas?"

10) SUGAR, SUGAR / The Archies (1969)
The sad thing is that if I remember correctly, this was #1 the week I was born. Yikes.

9) I WRITE THE SONGS / Barry Manilow (1976)
Did Barry pen this one? For some reason, I'm thinking it was one of the few he didn't. Anyhow, the song still sucks.

8) I'M HENRY THE VIII, I AM / Herman's Hermits (1965)
Can't think of this song without thinking of "Ghost."

7) GIRLS JUST WANT TO HAVE FUN / Cyndi Lauper (1983)
This one isn't so bad. I can take it. But her best song didn't chart all that high and it's a shame: "Money Changes Everything."

6) IT HAD TO BE YOU / Harry Connick, Jr. (1989)
We will have to agree to disagree. I love the whole WHMS soundtrack.

5) MACHO MAN / Village People (1978)
Surprisingly, they didn't play this one on my favorite station as much as that blasted YMCA .... so I can take this one (albeit in VERY limited doses).

4) SWEET HOME ALABAMA / Lynyrd Skynyrd (1975)
Bad memories of when Rock 101 was "All Skynyrd All the Time" (or so it seemed). I can take this song -- again, VERY sparingly!

3) BILLIE JEAN / Michael Jackson (1982)
The funny thing is that my coworker IM'd me the other day and said, "OH MY GOD! My 80s station is playing 'PYT' by Michael Jackson." That creeped me out. Back then, we thought his PYT was a 16-year-old girl. Turns out it was an 11-year-old boy. OOOOOOOOG!

2) KARMA CHAMELEON / Culture Club (1984)
Culture Club never bothered me that badly. "Church of the Poison Mind" was a better single, though.

1) YOU LIGHT UP MY LIFE / Debbie Boone (1977)
I need some insulin, stat! I have a saccharin overdose, ER room 2!!!! I hear that piano intro and immediately change the station.

Ahh, the memories (not!) :D :D :D

Talmadge G. said...

We've got Jesus, yes we do
It's obvious you don't
So why don't you come to our church on Sunday, we have the best youth group EVER, and Preacher Jay (that's our youth minister) is SOOOOOO cool, and do you know Jesus as your personal savior?


"What's your name, Yo!" --> My son told me that was actually on a visitor card when he was at a Baptist youth something-or-other a friend of his invited him to.


...."I Want To Know What Love Is" (which doesn't bother me greatly, but it smacks of a bad pickup line late at night in a seedy beer joint).

The only reason I "like that song okay" (as I put it) is because it brings to life a very happy and liberating time in my life: my first semester away at college. My feelings in 1984's Fall could be summed up in a song from two years later: "The Future's So Bright, I Gotta Wear Shades"

14) BROWN-EYED GIRL / Van Morrison (1967)
While I understand the motive behind hating this song in your particular case, I still love this one.


What's funny is, my aversion to this record has nothing to do with the fact that Whatzername's irises were of that hue. Nothing at all.

13) DO YA THINK I'M SEXY? / Rod Stewart (1978)
Can't argue. I love Rod, but not this. I admit to listening to it, but I'm giggling the whole time at just how cheesy it sounds.


I'm listening to Rod right now, in fact. Gasoline Alley (1970), his second solo album. Between this, An Old Raincoat, Every Picture and Dull Moment, who needs anything else from Rod Da Mod?

You know, pretty much all of Smashmouth's few hits could qualify. If I hear that damn "All Star" one more time, I'm going to punch someone. And I LOATHE their "I'm A Believer."

WRHQ was playing that this afternoon while I was out getting the Sunday paper. I sat there, thinking how positively rotten Smashmouth's version is.

And the irony isn't lost on me: here's a band, in it for corporate shilling, covering a hit from a band that started out as a prefab group created by corporate interests!

11) WE ARE THE WORLD / USA For Africa (1985)
This makes me love "Do They Know It's Christmas?"


At least Band Aid was more 'honorable'.....

10) SUGAR, SUGAR / The Archies (1969)
The sad thing is that if I remember correctly, this was #1 the week I was born. Yikes.


Breathe a sigh of relief; it was #1 during September. #1 the week of your debut was The Temps' "I Can't Get Next To You."

9) I WRITE THE SONGS / Barry Manilow (1976)
Did Barry pen this one?


Nope, Bruce (Beach Boys) Johnston did. Sinatra and other MOR types covered it as "I Sing the Songs" [retch]

7) GIRLS JUST WANT TO HAVE FUN / Cyndi Lauper (1983)
This one isn't so bad. I can take it. But her best song didn't chart all that high and it's a shame: "Money Changes Everything."


Fully agreed. Great song, and always makes me look above me, just in case a garbage can is dangling over my head.

6) IT HAD TO BE YOU / Harry Connick, Jr. (1989)
We will have to agree to disagree. I love the whole WHMS soundtrack.


I liked the movie. The soundtrack -- indeed, Connick himself -- has big-league baggage. When I hear the line "nobody else gave me a thrill", I hear my ex-wife's voice singing it. She has a great alto and can pull off a good soprano when she feels like it, but still...

3) BILLIE JEAN / Michael Jackson (1982)
The funny thing is that my coworker IM'd me the other day and said, "OH MY GOD! My 80s station is playing 'PYT' by Michael Jackson."


That's one which doesn't get played too much today. "PYT" wasn't a half-bad record, considering.

Culture Club never bothered me that badly. "Church of the Poison Mind" was a better single, though.

I like COTPM okay, and same for a handful of their other hits. I don't dislike Culture Club, but I just nail-spitting revile "Karmakarmakarmakarm.." for some reason. Always have.

Word verification = "csapkio" Dunno, but it has something to do with the old Confederacy.

Talmadge G. said...

We've got Jesus, yes we do
It's obvious you don't
So why don't you come to our church on Sunday, we have the best youth group EVER, and Preacher Jay (that's our youth minister) is SOOOOOO cool, and do you know Jesus as your personal savior?


"What's your name, Yo!" --> My son told me that was actually on a visitor card when he was at a Baptist youth something-or-other a friend of his invited him to.


...."I Want To Know What Love Is" (which doesn't bother me greatly, but it smacks of a bad pickup line late at night in a seedy beer joint).

The only reason I "like that song okay" (as I put it) is because it brings to life a very happy and liberating time in my life: my first semester away at college. My feelings in 1984's Fall could be summed up in a song from two years later: "The Future's So Bright, I Gotta Wear Shades"

14) BROWN-EYED GIRL / Van Morrison (1967)
While I understand the motive behind hating this song in your particular case, I still love this one.


What's funny is, my aversion to this record has nothing to do with the fact that Whatzername's irises were of that hue. Nothing at all.

13) DO YA THINK I'M SEXY? / Rod Stewart (1978)
Can't argue. I love Rod, but not this. I admit to listening to it, but I'm giggling the whole time at just how cheesy it sounds.


I'm listening to Rod right now, in fact. Gasoline Alley (1970), his second solo album. Between this, An Old Raincoat, Every Picture and Dull Moment, who needs anything else from Rod Da Mod?

You know, pretty much all of Smashmouth's few hits could qualify. If I hear that damn "All Star" one more time, I'm going to punch someone. And I LOATHE their "I'm A Believer."

WRHQ was playing that this afternoon while I was out getting the Sunday paper. I sat there, thinking how positively rotten Smashmouth's version is.

And the irony isn't lost on me: here's a band, in it for corporate shilling, covering a hit from a band that started out as a prefab group created by corporate interests!

11) WE ARE THE WORLD / USA For Africa (1985)
This makes me love "Do They Know It's Christmas?"


At least Band Aid was more 'honorable'.....

10) SUGAR, SUGAR / The Archies (1969)
The sad thing is that if I remember correctly, this was #1 the week I was born. Yikes.


Breathe a sigh of relief; it was #1 during September. #1 the week of your debut was The Temps' "I Can't Get Next To You."

9) I WRITE THE SONGS / Barry Manilow (1976)
Did Barry pen this one?


Nope, Bruce (Beach Boys) Johnston did. Sinatra and other MOR types covered it as "I Sing the Songs" [retch]

7) GIRLS JUST WANT TO HAVE FUN / Cyndi Lauper (1983)
This one isn't so bad. I can take it. But her best song didn't chart all that high and it's a shame: "Money Changes Everything."


Fully agreed. Great song, and always makes me look above me, just in case a garbage can is dangling over my head.

6) IT HAD TO BE YOU / Harry Connick, Jr. (1989)
We will have to agree to disagree. I love the whole WHMS soundtrack.


I liked the movie. The soundtrack -- indeed, Connick himself -- has big-league baggage. When I hear the line "nobody else gave me a thrill", I hear my ex-wife's voice singing it. She has a great alto and can pull off a good soprano when she feels like it, but still...

3) BILLIE JEAN / Michael Jackson (1982)
The funny thing is that my coworker IM'd me the other day and said, "OH MY GOD! My 80s station is playing 'PYT' by Michael Jackson."


That's one which doesn't get played too much today. "PYT" wasn't a half-bad record, considering.

Culture Club never bothered me that badly. "Church of the Poison Mind" was a better single, though.

I like COTPM okay, and same for a handful of their other hits. I don't dislike Culture Club, but I just nail-spitting revile "Karmakarmakarmakarm.." for some reason. Always have.

Word verification = "csapkio" Dunno, but it has something to do with the old Confederacy.

Seraphim9 said...

All this talking about CCM has got me craving some Cap'n D's......

Rod Stewart...frankly, I've never found him sexy and I'd probably gag if I saw him performing that song live these days.

The only version of "Do You Think I'm Sexy" that I LOVE and am in stitches over is Stuart MacKenzie's version in "So I Married An Axe Murderer". Mike Myers channeling his Scottish father, priceless. Especially during the bagpiper's solo, when he runs out of air and passes out..... "Alright, we have a piper who's down. It's alright, he's just pissed. We have a piper down, I repeat, a piper is down!"

And here's a line from the movie that you're sure to love, Tal:

Charlie Mackenzie: Dad, how can you hate "The Colonel"?

Stuart Mackenzie: Because he puts an addictive chemical in his chicken that makes ya crave it fortnightly, smartass!

I believe that's chemical is one of the 11 herbs and spices. Yep, the very same one that makes your farts smell like KFC and therefore makes you gain crave it again fortnightly. Damn, now I want some KFC.

I think Van Morrison should re-make Brown Eyed Girl in my honor, and name it, "Hazel-eyed Nut" LOL!

"Sugar-sugar", I do like this song so I guess I'll have to like it for both of us. I really only heard it in full recently, thanks to "Big 98" and think it's a catchy little tune.

Michael Jackson, I loved him when he was a young black man. Not so much now that he's an old white woman. Have you noticed how much he and Joan Rivers resemble each other these days? They must have the same (bad) plastic surgeon - Dr. Crypt Keeper.

And speaking of white women, what's Boy George up to these days? I do have a few CC tunes on my SM3 (Seraphim's Mini Music Machine)but NOT Karma-Karma-Karma.

Barry Manilow, I can take or leave. I recently made the mistake of stating that I was "not a big fanilow of the Manilow" on one of my email groups and got ripped a new one. Apparently Manilow fans are not keen on being called "fanilows". Hmph.

Last but not least - Seraphim's lesson on how to torture Talmadge: look deep into his eyes and start reciting either, "Why do birds suddenly appear..." or "So many nights, I sit by my window..." to which he counters with his version of Glass Tiger's "Don't Forget Me When I'm Gone". We have such a loving marriage. :-) Don't we, Tally-Pooh?

Oh, and MY word verfication: kskteh

The sound I was making in the back of my throat thinking of many of these songs. Hehehe.

Seraphim9 said...

I just found something worse than Rod Stewart singing, "Do You Think I'm Sexy?"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=efBwVP4fyAg

I DON'T......but Miss Vicky must have.....

{retch}

Seraphim9 said...

OMG....here it is!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-e1dYIWu2ME&NR=1

Stuart MacKenzie - "Do You Think I'm Sexy?"

Oh, and when he says the piper is pissed - doesn't mean he's mad, means he's drunk, as you'll probably figure out. LOL!

Gotta love YouTube. Damned internet crack that it is.