And finally, we're down to the freezer-burnt food at the bottom of the chest freezer:
TALMADGE'S TOP FIVE "WTFWTT??!!" COVERS!
(again, I'll give you the last three - "Were They Thinking??!!")
1) JAMBALAYA (ON THE BAYOU) / The Carpenters
"Hey! This stuff is made in New York City!"
"NEW YORK CITY??!!"
"Get a rope."
Yes, I KNOW I'm one state off. Deal with it.
Richard Carpenter should be forced to take a trip down to Ponchatoula, and visit that town's most famous resident. The Carpenters are truly from "the dark side." They're gonna rot in hell for what they did to Hank Sr.
2) I SAW HIM STANDING THERE / Tiffany
Mrs. Miller rang in the tolling of the death bells for downtown areas .... and 20 years later, TIFFANY did the same thing for the shopping malls that replaced 'em.
I'd rather listen to the Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band soundtrack. Hell, I'd even watch the bleedin' MOVIE rather than have to hear Food Court Diva twist genders (side rant: I truly detest it when 'gender-specific' songs are covered by the wrong sex) on a great early Beatles classic.
3) KNOCKING ON HEAVEN'S DOOR / Guns 'n' Roses
Just hearing how Axl Rose sings "Door" (doe-oh-WOOOOOOOOAAAH!!!) is the equivalent of a million fingernails cascading down a million chalkboards.
What is it about Bob Dylan that brings out the bad covers like cockroaches out of the crevices of Bolivar Shagnasty's ex-wife's trailer????? Whatever did he do to make anyone mad?? Okay, besides his "getting saved" in the late '70s.........
4) LAST KISS /Pearl Jam
It sounds like a version you'd expect to hear coming from a bar deep in the bowels of a Ramada Inn somewhere in east Texas.
Not that I ever liked the original, mind you ... or a (thankfully!) forgotten 1974 cover version by a group called Wednesday (I think they were playing the lounge at the Super 8 on the other side of the interstate from the Ramada). Wonder if that was Pugsley's sister singing background vocals ... ???
5) LET'S HANG ON / Barry Manilow
A terrible and insulting cover version, which made a brief appearance in the top 40 during the Spring of 1982. Smarmy doesn't even begin to cover it. Oh, Lola, where are you when we need you?
Frankie Valli should've grabbed Barely Manenough's balls, squeezed tight, and made him sing it properly. I mean, if you're gonna take on The Four Seasons, ya gotta have the balls for it. Literally. Or, should that be LACK of balls?
And then Barry could've gone on to tackle the grand poo bah of falsetto hits: "Two Faces Have I" by Lou Christie.
And there you have it. The hits keep on coming.......................
Ciao for niao.
--Talmadge "Ready for some real music, thankyouverymuch" Gleck
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