First, the forward:
It was fun being a baby boomer ..... until now. Some of the artists of the '60s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate the baby boomers. They include:
1. Herman's Hermits -- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker.
2. The Bee Gees -- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.
3. Bobby Darin -- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.
4. Ringo Starr -- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.
5. Roberta Flack -- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.
6. Johnny Nash -- I Can't See Clearly Now.
7. Paul Simon -- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver
8. The Commodores -- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.
9. Marvin Gaye -- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.
10. Procol Harem -- A Whiter Shade of Hair.
11. Leo Sayer -- You Make Me Feel Like Napping.
12. The Temptations -- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.
13. Abba -- Denture Queen.
14. Tony Orlando -- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.
15. Helen Reddy -- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.
16. Willie Nelson -- On the Commode Again
17. Leslie Gore -- It's My Procedure and I'll Cry If I Want To
Well, I responded to my good friend with a groan, saw her ante and raised her a few more titles. Y'see, this raises some interesting possibilities.
Def Leppard -- "Love Gums"
Robert Plant -- "Geritol Cool One"
Starship -- "We Built This Retirement Community"
Hall & Oates (or would that be Hall & Oat Bran?) -- "Did it in 20 Minutes"
Paul & Paula (Gerald & Gertrude?) -- "Hey Hey Polident"
Blondie will change their name to Silvie, and offer up "Life Call Me"
Arlo Guthrie says, "You can get anything you want at Alice's Cafeteria"
Elvis will come back from the "dead" long enough to record a new holiday standard "Blue Rinse Christmas" -- look for it in heavy rotation beginning August 15th on your local Adult Contemporary radio station.
REO Speedwagon will become REO Wheelchair, kicking off their Dulcolax "Take It So You Can Run" tour in Branson, Missouri.
And speaking of which, The Cars will soon retire up there, opening a theater under their new name: The Rascal Scooters.
And on that (sour) note ... have a happy and safe Fourth, all.
Ciao for niao.
--Talmadge "In the Sweet By and Bifocals" Gleck