23 January 2007

Hair, there and everwhere.

Discovered while browsing another blog: It's THE MANGROOMER.

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ISBN=B000HQ0L2E?tag2=rosescorner

My male genetics are firmly in the "hairy" column, so I guess this explains why I was unpopular with the ladies -- I didn't have one of these. People were snickering about my evident lack of muscle tone (I had it, but it was hidden underneath all my gorilla hair!). What's more, people were laughing at me behind my, ummmm, back.

Skeptical? Let the advertising convince you otherwise:

Why is the Mangroomer Right for You?
  • One time purchase with one low cost.
  • Easy to use, lightweight, and do-it-yourself.
  • Offers a fully extendable and adjustable handle that locks into place at various lengths to reach even the most difficult middle and lower portions of the back for men of all sizes.
  • Allows you to rid yourself of unwanted back hair in the privacy of your own home -- not some fancy or overpriced salon or spa.
  • Completely painless, unlike waxing, chemicals, laser, or electrolysis.
  • Folds into a neat, compact size for discreet storage or travel.
  • Shave your back whenever you feel you need it, and it is perfect for quick touch ups.
How the Mangroomer Can Improve Your Life
  • Look and Feel Clean and Manicured -- Eliminating unsightly back hair presents a more refined, clean image to others.
  • Confidence -- Increase your confidence knowing that you are "back hair free" and no one will be staring or snickering at you, or get turned off by unsightly back hair.
  • Romance -- Start up that spark in your relationship or marriage by surprising your partner with a smooth, sexy back.
  • Muscle Definition -- Shaving the hair off your back shows your muscle definition in much greater detail. You'll simply look in better shape after using the Mangroomer.
  • Sweat -- Keep your back shaved clean and help keep your back dry with less sweat and less chance for body odor.
  • First Impressions -- As the saying goes, you only get one chance to make a first impression. Don't let back hair ruin the image you are trying to project.
  • Summer Essentials -- When your shirt is off this summer, no back hair is a big plus. Whether you're at the beach or a pool party, use the Mangroomer to avoid embarrassing, hairy-back jokes.
  • Avoid Embarrassing Public Treatment Options -- With the Mangroomer you can shave your back privately, easily, quickly, painlessly, and inexpensively by yourself, in the comfort of your own home.
Let's address these claims line by line, shall we?

One time purchase with one low cost.
That's good. Because I'm not in the mood to rent one. Besides, I didn't see one at the "Curtis Mathes" rent-to-own store.

Easy to use, lightweight and do-it-yourself.
Does that mean a complete de-d'DEE like myself can use it? And since I'm just now getting back into shape (we've been doing the Y for three weeks now), I don't want to have to worry about lifting any heavy objects. "Do-it-yourself"??? Why do I hear the Adam Sandler catch-phrase "you can DOOOOOEEEEET!!!"??

Offers a fully extendable and adjustable handle that locks into place at various lengths to reach even the most difficult middle and lower portions of the back for men of all sizes.
But what if I have an "easy" middle and lower back? Hey, backs need loving too, and mine gets awfully lonely. What chick wants to date a hairy middle and lower back anyway?

"Men of all sizes"? No comment.

Allows you to rid yourself of unwanted back hair in the privacy of your own home -- not some fancy or overpriced salon or spa.
As opposed to a fancy and overpriced refugee from a Ron Popeil commercial?

Completely painless, unlike waxing, chemicals, laser, or electrolysis.
Unless I sneeze while using my Mangroomer®. Boy, if I have an attack of hay fever during a shave session, I can look like I've just returned from a relaxing weekend at a Singapore jail.

Folds into a neat, compact size for discreet storage or travel.
That's good because I'm always paranoid about bellhops and baggage handlers peeking inside my suitcase. Plus, I'm afraid if my wife sees this thing, she'll make fun of me. I hope said "neat, compact size" is smaller than, say, one of the dozens of motel soap bars I've managed to collect.

Shave your back whenever you feel you need it, and it is perfect for quick touch ups.
But what if I'm on the air? Or in the middle of hot, passionate .... um, er, ah, that's good. Quick touch-ups are always good. Yeah. All good.

Look and Feel Clean and Manicured -- Eliminating unsightly back hair presents a more refined, clean image to others.
"Manicured" and "Talmadge" are two words you'll never see in the same sentence.

No, wait. They just did, above. Oops.

Anyhoo, there ain't a single 'manicured' thing about me. And "refined" is something that's done to Enmark Golden Premium gasoline (7 cents off on Tuesday!), not to old schmucks like me.

And image? Don't need that anymore; I'm all about "substance", baby!

Confidence -- Increase your confidence knowing that you are "back hair free" and no one will be staring or snickering at you, or get turned off by unsightly back hair.
Yeah. That'll change everything. Now instead of being an insecure wallflower at the dance, I'll be a completely confident wallflower. This thing won't change the fact that I can't dance. You know I can't dance, you know I can't dance. I CAN'T DANCE!

Romance -- Start up that spark in your relationship or marriage by surprising your partner with a smooth, sexy back.
Seraphim, if I shave with the new Mangroomer®, will you take me back?

Muscle Definition -- Shaving the hair off your back shows your muscle definition in much greater detail. You'll simply look in better shape after using the Mangroomer.
mus·cle [muhs-uhl] n. 1. a tissue composed of cells or fibers, the contraction of which produces movement in the body. 2. an organ, composed of muscle tissue, that contracts to produce a particular movement. 3. muscular strength; brawn. 4. (pl.) title of 1982 hit single by Diana Ross; penned by Michael "My Problems All Started With a Single Mangroomer®" Jackson.

Oh. That's not what you meant about "muscle definition"? Oops, sorry.

Never mind.

Sweat -- Keep your back shaved clean and help keep your back dry with less sweat and less chance for body odor.
That's why God invented something called "showers."

First Impressions -- As the saying goes, you only get one chance to make a first impression. Don't let back hair ruin the image you are trying to project.
This sounds like a great idea for a TV commercial. Woman on subway, sizing up man seated across from her: "Wow, what great muscle definition, were it not for all that damned hair on his back. I can see it, even though it's 23 degrees outside and we're all dressed in layers."
Man: "What a nice-looking woman. But wait, she's scratching her head. Could be dandruff. Forget her. Besides, I'm gayer than Christmas."

Summer Essentials -- When your shirt is off this summer, no back hair is a big plus. Whether you're at the beach or a pool party, use the Mangroomer to avoid embarrassing, hairy-back jokes.
I always wear a shirt to the beach. Even to the pool. Trust me, you don't want to see my top half, Mangroomer® or not.

I wonder if this situation ever played itself out in those old "Charles Atlas" ads we used to see in comic books?


Avoid Embarrassing Public Treatment Options -- With the Mangroomer you can shave your back privately, easily, quickly, painlessly, and inexpensively by yourself, in the comfort of your own home.
But what if I wanted to make a public spectacle of myself? It could be worse, my mother could be taking me to the beauty shop for a dye job after my brother and stupid shark-jumping-cousin sold me some crap which turned my hair orange!!

I bet "5:00 shadow" is a real bitch while using this thing. And say, I wonder what kind of after-shave lotion I should get? How about some of that "LECTRIC-SHAAAAAAAVE!!" which I used to see advertised on The Lawrence Welk Show???

*********
Too bad my mother never bought me one of those Mangroomers® when it was advertised on late-night TV. NEW, FROM K-TEL! IT'S MANGROOMER®! EMBARRASSED ABOUT MASSIVE HAIR ON YOUR BACK? USE MANGROOMER® -- GUARANTEED TO RELIEVE YOU OF ALL YOUR HAIRY PROBLEMS, OR ELSE IT'LL DICE, SLICE, CHOP AND PUREE TRYING.

MANGROOMER® HAS 101 USES. YOU CAN SHAVE FROM A DISTANCE. YOU CAN CATCH FISH WITH IT. YOU CAN USE IT TO "SEW" ON BUTTONS. YOU CAN EVEN EAT FRESH FRENCH-FRIED POTATOES YOU'VE MADE WITH YOUR NEW MANGROOMER®

K-TEL'S MANGROOMER® ONLY $19.99.95.99! MAKES A GREAT GIFT!!!

But dammit, Mom never went to Woolworth, Woolco, Walgreen's, Super-D, Zayre, Ben Franklin or our local Sears store to get me one. Damn her. It's all her fault.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to change my shirt. It's damned uncomfortable, what with it snagging all my back hair.

Ciao for *OW!!!* Niao.

--Talmadge "TMI" Gleck

2 comments:

Carol said...

"MANGROOMER® HAS 101 USES. YOU CAN SHAVE FROM A DISTANCE. YOU CAN CATCH FISH WITH IT. YOU CAN USE IT TO "SEW" ON BUTTONS. YOU CAN EVEN EAT FRESH FRENCH-FRIED POTATOES YOU'VE MADE WITH YOUR NEW MANGROOMER®"

You forgot "IT SLICES, IT DICES!" Then again, with a product like MANGROOMER, that's probably not such a strong selling point!

Thanks for the laugh - this is hilarious!

nettiemac said...

BWAAAAAAH!!!!