24 August 2007

What if Chuck Barris went car shopping?

"Let's meet our three automobiles, and heeeeeere they arrrrrrrrre............"

[Jim Lange just finished adjusting his toupee, and has asked us to sit down. He's placed in our hot little hands all of the stupid questions the writers have cooked up.]

"Car Number 1, what would you say is your most redeeming feature"

#1) "I'd say it's my full-size spare tire. And I don't mean the kind you get from putting away too many beers, either."

"I see. Why is that?"

#1) "Because the rest of them just eat doughnuts. You'd think they were cops or somethin'"

"Car Number 2, same question."

#2) "I have more room than Number 1. Or at least that's what my Pokemon Salesman Trainer tells me. Also I have less junk in the trunk and more room up front than in previous years."

"Nice. Okay, Number 3 .... you and I are out on a country road. I have gotten lost (yes, even roadgeeks get lost sometimes, too! -- NORFOLK, anyone???). There's nothing out here except for the occasional pig squeal which doesn't sound like a pig's making it. How are you going to help get us out of this jam?"

#3) "Why that's easy. You see my little display up here? That's the on-board compass. None of these other jokers have THAT."

[Both #1 and #2 look at #3 with a dirty look on their grilles. They're rolling their headlights.]

"So? What's so great about that? Yeah, it's cool and all, but what else can you offer us?"

#3) "Six months of Sirius satellite radio, power seats, tinted privacy glass, and a console deeper than most classic rock station playlists."

"Keep going...."

#3) "A powerful 4-cylinder engine. I might be a little more thirsty than these other jokers over here, but you've seen what kind of power I can deliver. And you haven't even asked me about the R-word."

"R-word? You don't mean ...."

#3) "Ah, but I do. Rebate."

"Rebate?"

#3) "Rebate."

#2) "Now just wait a bamboo-pickin' minute. You're not going to go down that primrose path, are you?"

#1) "Yeah. Why are you swooning over Car Number 3? What's it gonna take?"

"Well, I can already tell what car YOU are, Number 1."

#1) "Do I have to sic my team of high-pressure salespeople on you?"

"Can you give us a car at 2% over invoice -- a nice unsung fringe benefit of Seraphim's employer, by the way -- AND offer a rebate."

#1) "No! What's it gonna take?"

#2) "Remember the big disaster last time you did this?"

"Did what?"

#2) "I seem to recall a little two-bit dealership in Enterprise, Alabama, along about 1993....."

"That was a GM car. I'm never making that mistake again."

#2) "Oh, you mean Number 3 ISN'T General Motors?"

"No, Number 2, it is not a product of Degenerate Motors. Do you see it wearing a bowtie?"

#2) "Lord, where's Tom and Ray when you need 'em?"

#1) "Don't drive like the car next to me."

#2) "Don't drive like the car next to me."

"And a lot of people will need to get smelling salts when they hear us say it, this is NPR - Natio----"

Jim Lange comes over and says, "Hey! You can't say those vile letters on this network!"

"What? SUV?"

JL) "NPR."

"Oh. Well, not that you ever aspired to any kind of intelligent radio listening, anyhow."

JL) "Look, Talmadge, you want I should get Bob Eubanks in here to give you a rear-entrance whoopie? Just pick out the damn car you want and get this over with so I can bring out Karen Carpenter's corpse and three Tom Petty lookalike bachelors who want a final dance."

"Fine. We choose .... Car Number 3."

To be continued.

Ciao for niao.

--Talmadge "We got the fever for the flavor of a new car" Gleck

No comments: