02 January 2008

Funeral for a few brain cells

Lord help me. Please.

I got home, and found today's mail on the chair in the Music Room™. Among today's booty, aside from the usual "YOU'RE PRE-APPROVED FOR A MASTERCARD WITH (up to) A $10,000 CREDIT LIMIT, AND A LOW (introductory) INTEREST RATE OF 2.9% (15.9% after 12 months). ...and the usual, daily, Lane Bryant "Woman Within" catalog, and water bill, there was a mailing from your favorite sweepstakes hustlers and mine, PUBLISHERS' CLEARING HOUSE.

Normally those things go straight to the bin labeled "TO SHRED." But occasionally I'll open it up just to see how much the fool these hucksters take us for.

"We've alerted the local media that a winner might be right here in Rincon, Georgia!" And they even list the network affiliate call letters, too .... if I'm picked as the winner, the fabled Prize Patrol van will pull up in front of our dilapidated lean-to, along with remote broadcast vans for WTOC (CBS), WSAV (NBC) and, gawd help us, WJCL (ABC).

I can see it now. The PCH folks get out, with their champagne, balloons and oversized check, while the news crews for 'TOC, 'SAV and 'JCL fight over who gets to interview us first. Right on our front lawn they'll start a brawl, a la Ron Bergundy ...

What's more, Publisher's Clearing Throat even listed a motel as having been placed "on alert" that rooms might be needed for the road-trippin' Prize Patrol crew. Seeing as how our lodging options out here are somewhat limited, they picked Days Inn. Well, it was either that, or MicroTel. Then again, I don't think that one is open yet.

It's astonishing just how dumb the American people, in general, really are. I mean, PCH wouldn't word these sweepstakes flyers they way they do if it didn't produce a return.

Funny thing, this time there weren't any magazine subscriptions in there. Instead, it was chock full of AS SEEN ON TV's bottom-of-the-barrel. Billy Mays' mug appeared at least twice in there. There went the appetite for the rest of the week.

In any case, I was "in a mood" (as my wife likes to say). I went further than look 'n' snark. I sought out the little lick-n-stick things -- the glue tastes absolutely horrid, I gotta tell ya -- then stuck 'em on my "Official Entry Form."

They even say that somebody with the initials "TG" is guaranteed to win a prize.


And after doing all this sticking, and feeling like a case of arrested-childhood (oooooh, stickers! *squeal!*), I .... I .....

Yes. I did.

I put the whole enchildada in an envelope, and I'm .... I'm .....

Yes. I am.

I'm gonna mail the sucker.

Even though the "Sweepstakes Facts" disclaimer spells it all out, plain as day:

Odds of winning the "Super Prize" of $5,000 a week for life? 1 in 505,000,000.

Compare that with the "Mega-Millions" jackpot (Georgia Lottery, and other states): 1 in 175,711,536.

Or, the slightly-better-chance-of-winning Powerball jackpot (South Carolina, et al): 1 in 147,107,962.

Basically: you have roughly a three-times better chance of winning one of the two multistate lotto jackpots (match all five balls plus the yellow ball).

As for the smaller PCH prizes, the lowest prize - $100 - carries a winning odd of 1:37,000.

Well, I'm entering. But no, I'm not buying a thing. I might be foolish, but I ain't stoopid.

And we'll see if we get to have our front lawn fertilized with body parts from our local TV stations' reporters. Especially that really obnoxious woman from WTOC.

Since when was dreaming a bad thing?

Ciao for niao.

--Talmadge "That's what I used to think" Gleck


Kate/Susan said...

There aren't even 505 million people in the US. How is that possible?

Kate/Susan said...

Sadly, i'm going to my mailbox right now to see if I got one.

Talmadge G. said...

In the small print, it says one can enter more than once (on the PCH website).

But that figure also presumably includes the pets which end up on these mailing lists. I'm waiting for Puddy to get one -- our landline (for DSL) is in her name.

Kate/Susan said...

That's hilarious.

Well, sadly, I guess I might not be a winner. Nothing in our box last night. I did get a book though, so that was a plus.