26 April 2008

Where's Chris Schenkel when we NEED him?

First, it was Michael Dukakis and the army tank.

Then it was George H. W. Bush and pork rinds.

And we also had John "A Hunting We Will Go" Kerry, who donned some fresh, still-creased camo ..... but don't worry, he didn't kill anything.

Now it's Barack Obama, and what has been dubbed "Bowling For Votes."
And after all that effort, the best he could do was a 37?

A 37 game. Great crispy Buddah on an ugly polyester shirt, both of my nieces (ages 5 and 7) could do better than that. Now I enjoy bowling, although I'm no expert at it. My technique may well earn some guffaws from folks around me, but at least I can usually bowl a 100 or better. Seriously, if I can roll a three-digit game, I'm happy.

Okay, far be it from me to make a judgment call about a person as a candidate based on their bowling score. A perfect 300 ain't a prerequisite for what it takes to live in the White House.

It's just the act of doing this. He went bowling as a misguided, laughable attempt to "appear like one of us lowly working schmucks." This almost has to be his handlers; I find it hard to believe it was Obama's idea. And throughout the whole ordeal he may well have been thinking, "Who am I? Why am I here??"

What's more disturbing is how a lot of Mr. & Mrs. Doublewide America actually buy into this charade. None of the candidates are "one of us." And especially not The Guy At The Hardware Store Who Makes the Keys, nor Miz Annie Oakley. Why can't people make educated choices, choices which have nothing to do with pathetic photo-ops.

Over a succulent lunch this rainy afternoon at the Golden Corral in beautiful Bluffton, S.C., I had a brainstorm. After which my wife admonished me never to have one again. I thought -- well, since America is obviously low-brow and stupid as a country, why not get this idiotic fight over with. Must we muddle through this ugly battle until November?

Of course not. Why wait? Let's find a good bowling alley somewhere in middle America. Say ..... ohhhh, I don't know ..... Kansas City, Missouri. And there, stage The Pro-sidential Bowlers' Tour. One (1) single game of bowling. McCain v. Clinton v. Obama v. Barr (who'll likely be the Libertarian candidate).

One game, and whomever gets the highest score becomes our next President.

I'd pay good money to watch that. And, good sport I am, I'd accept the winner, regardless of which party (s)he may be.

I mean, c'mon -- would John McCain or Lurleen Hillary Clinton do any better at your friendly neighborhood AMF alley than Obama?

My bet is none of 'em would know how many finger holes are in your average bowling ball.

(And no, Seraphim, I'm not counting your Grandmother's four-hole ball. That woman, feisty ornery coot she, is still an active league bowler at age 90)

So, how about it?

Ciao for niao.

--Talmadge "Thankfully, there are no chads on a bowling score grid" Gleck

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