23 December 2008

It's 'The $1.07 Tree' after taxes.

Or: "Love - And A Dollar - Will Keep Us Together"

So the missus and I decided to make a post-supper "Dollar Tree" run. We needed a few gift card bags and a few other odds and ends. Rincon has a very nice -- and big -- DT store in our newly renovated strip. It used to be called "Rincon South", but now it has the more semi-haute name Fort Howard Square. But anyway......

Since there's no such thing as going into a Dollar Tree for one item, we did what every red-blooded bumpkin does: we poked around. Truly one never knows what one might find on any one given trip. And you'd better grab it, elsein' you might not find it next time you're there.

Naturally, while Sera browsed the Christmas aisle, I made a beeline for the "electronics" section. And I was greeted by a small bin of CDs.......

Whoookay, we have the soundtrack to Passion of the Christ (a/k/a "You Damned K*kes Killed My Jesus!! Now gimme another drink, Copper!") ... a Shania Twang Twain DVD ("Man, I Feel Like a Tums") ... and, bless her serial-bride heart, a Delilah compilation.

Remind me again why people would take relationship advice from a woman who's had three divorces?

And the one on the lower right corner? Yup.....
"Dr. Drake, please report back to your station. The dream is over."

Yes, Rick Springfield tried a comeback in 1999 with an album cruelly entitled Karma. By this point, my wife found me. And, big-league '80s Rick Fan she is, the disc went home with Seraphim. Curiosity, she said.

You know I had to dig through the pile. Although I don't know if it's some curiosity of my own, or if I'm a big-league glutton for punishment........
Yeah, definitely "glutton."

What we have here just might be the complete study in the recorded works of Captain & Tennille. They were a husband-wife duo in the '70s best known for such hits as "Love Will Keep Us Together", "Do That To Me One More Time", and the stomach-pump "Muskrat Love."

Their poses suggest the following dialogue:

TONI TENNILLE: "I love you, my BIG HANDSOME HUNK OF CAPTAIN FANTASTIC. Take me to your poopdeck and batton down my hatches."
DARYL DRAGON: "Do I know you?"

[Now I cannot completely dis Miz Toni. She's a native of Montgomery, Alabama, and her mother hosted the city's first daytime TV talk program. In fact, a young Toni would sometimes join Mom on the show. I think it was called Guest Room, but that's neither here nor there.]

Next to Mr. Excitement And Toothy Toni, was a selection of new-age'y "music for relaxation" CDs. And corresponding to each disc was a sample. Either the battery is this close to shot, or else one of Claude Debussy's most recognized and acclaimed piano standards is being waterboarded at Rincon's answer to musical Gitmo.......

video
We'll call this "Clair De Lunatic."

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Now, after all that musical reminiscing, I'm sure you could go for a snack.......

Care for a Gummi Rat?

In the next aisle, I found these:
So it only made sense to try and help with this store's rodent problem:

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What Dollar Tree would be complete without a "ghetto" section?? In case you want to fit in next time you find yourself in the wilds of Albany, Georgia or Pine Bluff, Arkansas, you might want to pick up a few of these:

Now just because you have some bling for your grille does NOT mean you can neglect your teeth. The Dollar Tree has a great selection of dentrifices:
Colgate and Crest are overrated, pal. WE have classic, time-tested brands like Pepsodent ("You'll wonder where the yellow went....") and, for those who like a little sex appeal for a lousy one-spot:
Crap, I didn't know they still made "Ultra Brite." At this point I was half-expecting to see tubes of "Ipana."

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I'm sure by now, you could probably use some wise words from The Good Book:

And, in case you need reassurance as to what this book IS, the title is also imprinted on the box. $1.00 Bibles. Proof that Mr. Yahweh has one mean sense of humor. (Wonder if these are from a run of misprints? "For Gdo so luved the whirled....")

Glory.

I just noticed the Hanna Montana whatever up there in the corner. Talk about a whole new meaning to "best of both worlds."

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Back to the health and beauty (relatively speaking) aisle, I was stopped dead in my tracks by what I saw before me. Have you missed your, ummm, punctuation?
"Honey?? I thought this thing was supposed to give me a '+' or a '-' Why does it read '¿∞¶'??"

That kit would probably give my wife a positive, despite having her "parts" removed last year.

Or ME.

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Finally, every other store chain has gift cards, so why not your friendly neighborhood everything-a-dollar joint?

I thought about buying a bunch of these and loading $1.00 on each of 'em. What a great gift idea. Then I heard the checkout lady tell the woman in front of me that there's a $5.00 minimum for their gift cards. Well, shucks! Where's the fun in that??

PS - Our damage tonight? $19.06. I felt like we'd made an obscene shopping spree, although not anywhere close to someone else, who made off with more than 38 bucks' worth of merchandise. Phew, no wonder the pickins were slim after he left.

If memory serves, I think he and his wife had three or four kids with 'em. Wonder if they buy those EPTs by the case?

Ciao for niao.

--Talmadge "How much is that $1.00 item in the window?" Gleck

1 comment:

nettiemac said...

No lie, almost all of Maddox's toys are Dollar Tree ones. Why? Because he's going to tear it to shreds in 10 minutes or less anyway.... I'm not going to PetSmart/PetCo and spend bookoo on a stuffed item or squeaky item that will die just as quick a death as the dollar item.

And some days, Dollar Tree is like crack...... I can't not stop in!