22 December 2006

I wish you a Merry Happy and a Happy Merry!

There's a commercial for one of those drug store chains (CVWalgrAid?) for a perfume of some sort which features a very sickening image of Celine Dion greeting an unsuspecting family with a pose underneath a tree, a pose which calls to mind Brooke Shields circa 1982 ("Nothing comes between me and my Calvins").

"Unfortunately, Celine Dion can't be under every Christmas tree," the commercial goes.

Seraphim summed up my opinion beautifully with her one word reply: "UNFORTUNATELY?"

Merry Christmas, and have a Def Kwanzaa. We're headed west tomorrow toward Albany and Troy. But not Schenectady. That is, unless there's some town inbetween both places I've overlooked.

We didn't do cards this year for reasons completely related to it getting away from us and just not making the trip to get any bloody cards. So to all my friends, I wish nothing but peace in your worlds, joy in your hearts and save a bit of space for the snark and sarcasm -- you never know when you'll need it.

I love, revere, admire and look up to you all. Thanks for putting up with Talmadge Gleck for yet another year without running in the opposite direction.

Ciao for niao.

--Talmadge "Did you ever notice that CELINE and SUCKS begin with the same phonetic sound?" Gleck

"TIME Fliiiiiiiiies.....

....and you are therrrrrrrre / TIME criiiiiiiies, and lets you carrrrrre"

Remember that uber-lamo commercial for Time Magazine back in the '80s? Unfortunately, I do.

I've never been that big a fan of Time. I'm more of a Newsweek guy myself, with occasional diversions to U.S. News and World Report when the mood hits (although Michael Barone's column usually raises my diastolic and systolic a few notches). I don't know why, but I've just never gotten into Time. Now if it's an Alan Parsons or Pink Floyd song ... or an ELO album, I'll take it. But I'd sooner opt for Boy George's coronary chronograph than pick up an issue of Time.

However, this month I just might have a change of heart. Because, you see, Time Magazine has named Talmadge Q. Gleck as Person of the Year.

What have I done to deserve such an honor? Well, lessee .... I maintain a blog. I love my wife. My dog. My son. (Not necessarily in that order. DOWN, Puddy! I didn't mean it!) By driving a hybrid vehicle, I'm doing my part to help the environment. I pay all of our bills on time. I don't steal any hubcaps or road signs ('tho if I find an old color-coded Florida route shield next time I'm down there, you can strike that last one). I've never seen the inside of a jail. I've never smoked a cigarette, never bogarted a joint, and I've never willingly had a Pepsi as an adult.

Either Time has finally woken up and smelled the Yuban and realized just what a remarkable contribution to society Talmadge Gleck has made ...... or has been bought out by The National Enquirer.

But wait a minute. Seraphim Gleck is Person of the Year, too. So is Nettiemac. Bolivar. Kate/Susan. Okay, that's fine. I'm not so egotistical that I must hog the limelight (or would that be Time-light?) all to myself. I can share a stage. Phew, that's a lot of people to cram onto a magazine cover.

Wait ... there's more! Tiger Gleck, my erstwhile going-on-15 son, is also POTY. How about our four-legged daughter? We think Puddy is a person, too. I wonder if Time would agree.

Seems that we ALL are People of the Year. Yes, even Michael Jackson.

Gawd, what a crock. I'm stickin' to Newsweek and their arrows up/down Conventional Wisdom watch.

TALMADGE GLECK. Old CW: Blogger.com must have a lot of space to waste. God help the Blogosphere. New CW: At least he didn't blow a fellow hunter's face off.

Ciao for niao.

--Talmadge "Does anybody still have one of those stooopid football phones?" Gleck

13 December 2006

Rant-In-A-Hurry® #2 ... collect 'em all!

Watching David Letterman tonight, I saw a bit which involved a guy out in the audience. As he left by the door behind them, all those who appeared on camera (and watching on the monitors which hang overhead in the studio) began waving -- "Wow! Hey! I'm on TV! I'm gonna wave at myself like a complete idiot!"

Of course, it's not just Letterman -- it's any other program whenever a camera pans the audience.

Do these people realize just how stupid this makes them look ... on national television, no less??

Ciao for niao.

--Talmadge "A Letterman attitude in a Leno world" Gleck

12 December 2006

Radio to get me into the holiday spirit

I found these stations thriving in the musty crawl space of my radio's dial:

No longer will America take bets as to when Adult Contemporary stations begin playing holiday music. Every day is Christmas at 109.2, so the little soccer moms will be positive orgasmic year-round! Now run along and spend lots of money, Tiffany. (Rod Stewart says, "It's one of my favorite things.")

KNNY-FM "KINNEY 100.0": All "Christmas Shoes", All The Time. (Cannot be picked up in parts of south Alabama, much of Mississippi, or certain mountainous pockets of Arkansas)

WPIC-AM 1750, "In-Your-Face Radio": Our name says it all: (P)olitically (I)n(C)orrect. Hear all your favorite holiday selections from times past, such as Mel Blanc's "The Hat I Got For Christmas Is Too Beeg", "The Dreidl Song" by Cartman, and Shirley Q. Liquor's immortal "12 Days of Kwanzaa."

98.4 KAREN FM: We don't play too much of what we want, or else we'll get too big. When we start playing more than 100 minutes of music between commercials, we'll go purge until we're back to a more managable 90-95 minutes. Our tower is on top of the world, and our signal is close to you. (Wonder why our cume spikes upward in January?)

RALPHIE RADIO: Cleveland's newest radio sensation! Flick & Tongue In The Morning is giving away "leg lamps" by the hundreds -- hear the sound of the Red Rider BB gun shooting an eye out, and be the 9th caller to win! And listen for the Pink Bunny Jackpot Phone Game -- if we call your home, be sure to answer "F-dash-dash-dash", and you win Christmas dinner for your entire family at the Chinese restaurant over there by the Food Lion.

KETL - "KETTLE 86.4": The Salvation Army now owns a chain of low-power FMs like this one, with the sound of a ringing bell 24/7, and an occasional tuba blast. Dong Boy & Belly in the morning, and extra long tolls of your favorite clappers all day.

SUICIDE 1640.5: Our name says it all. Nothing says "Christmas" like people who have nobody or nothing in their lives, and - tragically - decide to off themselves during this joyous time of year (or maybe they've had it up to here with all-holiday formats!). There isn't too much to be heard except for gunshots here and there. But listen real close, because all the dead air drives the audio compressor so high, you can hear the sound of people slitting their wrists. As is typical with the sheep mentality, most of us let the "scan" function on the radio skip past this one as if it doesn't exist. Must these malcontents be so ... negative??? Must they ruin the holidays for the rest of us?

Happy listening ... and ciao for niao!

--Talmadge "Portions of this blog post have been mechanically reproduced" Gleck