From the "Political correctness gone berserk" department, this breaking news item from the flatlands of Jonesboro, Arkansas:
INDI---oops, er, um, I mean, uhhhh, Wolves?
What the bloody, STD-infected fornication are they thinking up there in northeast Arkansas??!! And they need to stop drinking the "Apple Beer" and/or "Sparkling Grape Juice" and take a drive down to Trumann for some real brewskis.
Yes, I know the NCAA has decreed that naming a team "Indians" is offensive.
Never mind the reason for ASU adopting the name Indians to begin with: as a paean to the rich Native American heritage of the Mid-South region.
That doesn't matter. It's offensive. A bunch of self-righteous goose-stepping white @#$%s have appointed themselves Guardian Of The Feelings Of Native Americans.
The only thing anyone could've found fault with in the way of stereotypes would've been the longtime cartoon mascot, lovingly named Indian Joe -- he was often found in two different poses: Running Joe and Jumping Joe. A-State, for right or wrong, put the kibosh on Joe, and he was shown the door. It was a piece of history, however I could see the spirit of compromise at work.
My first contention is, if Florida State University can be granted a waiver, why can't my beloved-warts-and-all ASU Tribe? We all know the answer ... Tallahassee has a little more pull with certain NCAA figures than a bunch of unwashed hicks in Craighead County, Arkansas.
Deep inside, though, I knew this day was bound to happen sooner than later. Call it denial, but I didn't want to think about what name would be recommended as A-State's new mascot. I knew I wouldn't like it, whatever it would be.
But ... Wolves?
I'm sorry, but the image that conjures up is a bunch of Cub Scouts all jonesin' for their Webelos insignia!
You know this is going to lead to a lot of bedlam. Some of the streets on campus are named after the various tribes. Think of all the name changing that'll have to occur. They'll have to reflag the decaying Indian Mall as Wolf Mall. Indian Stadium? Call it Wolf Stadium. Or, hell, long as you're selling out, why not follow Troy Not-State's lead and get a corporate name for it.
Anyone for spending a fine Autumn Saturday watching "The Pack" at Hay's Supermarket Wolf Stadium? I'm sure they could pry Simon Le Bon away from the Howard Johnson's VIP Lounge in Perry, Georgia to sing "Hungry Like the Wolf" at halftime before a lukewarm audience.
Chickasaw Hall? Call it, ohhh, I don't know, Carnivora Hall. And what about the eatery in the Carl Reng Center ... ohhhh heavens no, we can't call it The Wigwam any longer. We'll call it .... The Den. How nice and homey. The Den.
Unfortunately, "The Woodlands" -- the regular cafeteria -- has no Native American connotation, so it'll have to stay.
Seminole Twin Towers, my ASU dorm home for most of those salad days? *BUZZT!* We will call it ..... Timberwolf Twin Toilets. The sign over the second commode in the left-hand bathroom on the 8th floor will remain: "Flush twice. It's a long way to The Woodlands."
They can remove anything remotely Indian off of everything in and around Jonesboro. But they'll never take the INDIAN away from my memories, my heart, or my ASU memorabilia -- now to become even bigger collectors' items. My aging circa-1992 ASU drink tumbler, for one:
You know what else? I have a T-shirt emblazoned with the current-day logo of the ASU Indians....
Now that's a classy looking logo, I have to say. Alas, its days appear to be numbered. Guess I'd better stop wearing it.
I think I'm gonna be sick. Honest.
Ciao for niao.
--Talmadge "Not Happy" Gleck
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